


The Care And Feeding

by PinkLetterDay



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Can be read as crack but it's all headcanon to me, F/M, Laurel Lives, M/M, Poly triad, Polyamory, Somewhere between slightly and a lot AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-02 18:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13323996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkLetterDay/pseuds/PinkLetterDay
Summary: Rules for the Care and Feeding Of Oliver Queen, Iris West and Barry Allen.Ft. Buttercup and Bubbles, Cisco Ramon and Deathstroke the Crossfit Bro.(What? No it doesn't! And stop calling it Crossf(QUIT NAMING MY FRIENDS AFTER THE POWERPU(Hey huccome I didnt get a nickn





	1. Rules For The Care And Feeding Of Oliver Queen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blue_wonderer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_wonderer/gifts).



  
1\. **~~Let Him Stress Bake Without Fluttering Around Him Trying To Get Him To Put Down The Brownie Mix And Talk About His Feelings. This Means You Barry.~~**  
  
**~~2\. Don't Let Iris Exploit His Brownie Skills~~**  
  
**~~3\. Don't Let Barry Eat Everything Oliver Bakes While He Doth Protest Too Much.~~**  
  
**~~4\. Iris Is A User And Not Allowed In The Kitchen While Oliver Is Baking.~~**  
  
**~~5\. Iris Does Not Micromanage People Like Barry Does And People Should Just Let Other People Stress Bake Without Talking About Their Feelings All The Time Except For When They Dont Talk About Their Feelings To Their Best Friend For Fourteen Years.~~**  
  
**~~6\. Why Are You Ruining My List, Iris~~**  
  
**~~7\. Why Are You Slandering Me On OUR List?~~**  
  
**~~8\. All Right Start Over.~~ **  
  
  
**Rules For the Care And Feeding Of Oliver Queen:**

  
  
**1\. Let Him Stress Bake But Only As Much As Barry ( _and Iris_!) Can Eat At One Sitting. **

  
**2\. Draw Him A Bath. With Those Lush Bath Bombs He Secretly Loves.**  
  
**"** Not since you put in the glitter one and he was too tired to notice until he got to the press conference, Barr."  
  
"Oh come on, it was an accident! You'd think he'd be over it by now."

"Barry, the internet made Twilight memes about him for like, six weeks."

  
  
**3\. Don't Let Barry Cut Too Much Of His (Own!!) Hair**  
  
"I still think this is ridiculous."  
  
"It's not our fault you have floofy, nice-smelling puppy hair. Snugging it is like therapy. Your head is a therapy animal."  
  
"...I can't believe they let you report news."

  
**4\. Don’t Call Him Names. Like Shrek. He Is A Sensitive Boo.**  
  
"I wasn't saying he's like an ogre! Although he _is_ grumpy. And green. And tries to scare people off."

"Not helping, Barry."

 **"** I was just drawing comparisons, y'know. A surly but good-hearted guy, just wants to be left alone but a bunch of strange, powerful, weirdly-dressed people try and take over his swamp - I mean his city - er. His home. So he has to go fight them. Cause it's not easy being green. Heh."

*unimpressed expression* "Uh huh."

"Also cause he's a misunderstood hero. Like an onion."

"You realize that this makes you Donkey."

"No, it doesn't! I'm Fiona!  _You're_ D-er the dragon." 

"Uh huh."

  
**5\. Don't Look At Him Like He Drowned A Sack Of Kittens When He Tries To Make You Do Upper Body Strength Training And Eat Healthy. ~~Don't~~ Mutiny Only Every Other Sunday. He Only Does It Because He ~~'s An Asshole~~ Cares.**  
  
"The next time he tries to make me drink kale, all bets are off."

"Yeah. I have trouble believing him when he says he loves us, anymore."

  
  
**6\. Don’t Push Him To Talk About His Feelings.**  
  
"I don't! That's Digg and Felicity!"  
  
"Well don't _let_ them, Barr. Let him work out his issues with a punching bag first. Or the salmon ladder."  
  
"Mmmm."  
  
"Mmmm."

"..."

"You should take videos though. For science."

  
**7\. Push Him To Talk About His Feelings.**  
  
"Well, which one is it, Iris?"  
  
"Oliver is a grumpy cat. You lure him in with treats and when he's happy and purry and perhaps snuffling someone's hair -"  
  
"My hair is not a therapy tool!"  
  
" _Then_ do we strike, capiche? And stop complaining. You need to pull your weight around here somehow."  
  
"..."  
  
  
**8\. Stop Showing Him Grumpy Cat Memes And Going "Look Is Youuuuu."**  
  
"But it is! And then he looks like Grumpy Cat even more and it's so cuuuuute!"

"I don't see how me calling him Shrek is worse than this."  
  
  
**9\. Don't Pick Him Up And Super Speed Him Places. It Hurts His Manly Feels.**  
  
"I'm way too fast for him to even _tell_ I'm running him in a bridal carry."  
  
"Trust me, Barry. He knows. His man-senses tingle. He knows in his _soul_ ."

 

**10\. Don't Let Him Be An Authoritarian Dickweed.**

"That's a little har...ok yeah."  
  
"Uh huh"  
  
"Wait how is that for his care?"  
  
"It puts him in the crosshairs of certain CCPN reporters which is imminently bad for his health."

"Accepted."  
  
  
**11\. Watch Out For Signs Of Anxiety and PTSD Attacks. Because He Clams Up When He's Feeling Vulnerable.**

  
**12\. The Ongoing Battle To Make Him Go To Therapy. Which Would Be Easier If Certain Other Parties Went To Therapy.**  
  
"Oliver and I can't go to therapy. We have secret identities to protect."  
  
"Oliver has been unmasked or accused of being the Vigilante about every other year since he started. Most of Starling knows who the Green Arrow is by now, press and police, as well as ARGUS, the military, the FBI, the Russian mob, and the _League of Assassins_ , not to mention any given time traveller or dimension-hopper. And you're _worse_!"

"What? No, I'm not. I only reveal my secret identity when I _have_ to!"  
  
"You tried to tell the new barista at Jitters who you were so she'd give you a Flash Day discount."  
  
"It was only a hint! I had plausible deniability!"  
  
  
**13\. Let Him Be Sad. Put A Blanket Around Him And Leave Him Alone. Be Vewy Vewy Quiet.**  
  
  
**14\. But Don't Let Him Brood.**

"Just tell him to get in the kitchen and make you a sandwich or something. Cooking always helps him."  
  
**"** But Barry, then he brood-bakes."  
  
"How is that different from stress-baking?"

 **"** When he's stressed he makes cakes. When he broods he makes pies. Puddings are for happy. Lasagna is when he's insecure."  
  
"Yeah, it's the salads you gotta watch out for."  
  
"The salads are kinda aggressive, yes."

"I'd never seen someone assassinate a cucumber before. It was disturbing."

 

 **15\. Let Him Take Care Of You. Oliver Likes Taking Care Of People. This Is Mutually Beneficial. Hur Hur.**  
  
"High five!"  
  
"Hells yeah!"

...  
  
"...do you think we're _both_ users?"

  
  
**16\. Massages. Lots of Massages. Bae Needs Relaxin'. Get Yo Hands On That Booty.**  
  
"Iris. You gotta stop hanging with Linda."  
  
"I owe the public the truth, Barry."

 

 **17\. Make Ollie Sandwiches.**  
  
"Sandwiches? Oooh. _Ollie_  sandwiches. Nice!"  
  
"Especially when I ambush him from behind and cling onto his back and he says things like " _Woman, I am on a conference call with the Bratva_ " and pretends he wants to get away but then you do your Octopus thing from the front and he just has to  _take_ it."

"ENDURE OUR LOVE, BITCH."  
  
"Hell yeah!"  
  
*high five*  


  
**18\. Make Him Take Painkillers. No They Aren’t Addictive In Necessary Doses Oliver. Deep Breathing Exercises And Teeth Grinding Is Not Manly. You Can't Afford Your Dental Bill On A Mayor's Salary Anymore. Don't Give Me That "Pain Is Where I Live" Spiel. You Melodramatic Asshole.**  
  
"It is possible I have several feelings about this."  
  
"I couldn't tell, Iris."

  
  
**19\. Stop Iris From Eating All His Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream.**  
  
_" ME??"_

  
**20\. Warm Snugs.**  
  
"In our bed. With Yankee candles. And the fireplace on. Smooth Jazz in the background."  
  
"With raspberries and chocolate?"  
  
"We are talking about _snuggling_ , Iris."  
  
"We can snuggle while eating raspberries and chocolate."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Off his abs."  
  
  
**21\. Tell Him You Love Him.**

"Hey, Ollie, how's the crime-fighting going? Yeah, we're fine. Iris and I just wanted to call you and tell you we love you. So much."

"..."  
  
"No, we didn't get a cat while you were away. Or break anything! No, I did not do anything stu - are you serious?"  
  
*grabbing phone* "Oliver, we really did just call to say we love you."  
  
"And we miss you."  
  
"..."  
  
**"** And we wish someone would feed us cause we've been living on takeout since Tuesday and Barry refuses to cook because he says he did it last weekend and...  
  
...we know you do. Come home soon, honey."


	2. Rules For the Care And Feeding Of Iris West

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...By Barry Allen and Oliver Queen

  
**Rules For the Care And Feeding Of Iris West: **  
  
**1\. Brownies.**  
  
"I thought we were trying to wean her off. You said the other day that she needed a twelve step program."  
  
"Yeah. My left ear still hurts. Why do we love such a violent woman again?"  
  
  
**2\. Baths**.  
  
"With us. Both of us. And bubbles. That jacuzzi was a great idea, Oliver."  
  
  
**3\. Let Her Sit On Top Of Us.**  
  
" _Let_ her? She thinks I'm an armchair, footstool  _and_  step ladder, Barry. And possibly a jungle gym. I feel like one of those sentient household items from Beauty and the Beast."  
  
"It never seemed to bother you though."  
  
"She has an ass moulded by the gods, Barr."

" _Right_? Try growing up while having a crush on her while she keeps climbing and flopping on you."  
  
"That's rough."  
  
"You have no idea."  
  
  
**4\. Let Her Watch Us Together**  
  
"I feel like the rest of this is gonna be about sex."  
  
*smugly* "What can I say? Our girl is insatiable."  
  
"And this is Mr. No Refractory Period talking."  
  
  
**5\. Let Her Have A Therapeutic Grope.**  
  
"You know, Barry, I'm starting to feel objectified."

"...just _starting_?"

  
**6\. Give Her Sparring Lessons.**  
  
"She's already got the basics down from Joe. We both did."

"Barry, no offence but you were kind of terrible without your powers until I trained you. After that you were only very bad."  
  
*acidly* "Strangely enough, most people find being arrowed _demotivating_ for anything other than running the hell away. Iris on the other hand, was always great at boxing. She's small but scrappy."  
  
"Yeah, she's...really driven. It gets a bit intense sometimes. I think it makes her feel more in control of our crazy life."  
  
"Huh. Well. We're just lucky it wasn't her who got shipwrecked and trained by assassins."

  
**7\. Arrange For Her To Have More Girl Time**  
  
"I still say Linda and Sara have it in for me. Yeesh, you call your wife's girlfriends Buttercup and Bubbles _one time..."_  
  
"I don't know why I'm dragged along with you. What did _I_ do?"

"Well, Park just goes along with it cause she's an agent of chaos, but you _really_ want to know what the Lance sisters have got against you? How much time do you have?"

"Okay, point."

"At least Laurel only makes fun of _you_. Cause you try to boss her around. She loves _me_. She wants to adopt me. Plus she's less insane than the others."  
  
"Barry, the last time she and Iris and Felicity went out for a girls night, they somehow ended up in Markovia and caused an international incident!"

"I know! They brought down a whole slave trafficking operation! So badass!"  
  
"Barry, they went out for drinks on Friday and got banned from a small East European country."  
  
  
**8\. Stop Ruining Her Blow Dry With Your Super Speed Barry**  
  
"You know, I don't get you people. You have free-of-charge personal transport at your beck and call, faster than a speeding bullet, and all you can do is complain about your hair and your masculinity and your projectile vomiting."  
  
"You just complained last week that you _weren't_ a superpowered Uber."  
  
"That's right. Stop filing complaints about my services."

  
**9\. Make Her Worry About Us Less**  
  
**blank looks**  
  
"Er. Get more than four hours of sleep a night?"  
  
"I live in hypertime. Four hours is enough for me, really. Um. She keeps telling me to stop trying to do everything. All at once. What does that mean?"  
  
"It means you should let Wally handle more responsibility and not go into a tailspin when you make mistakes and try to be everywhere at once?"  
  
"Sez you, Mr. Mayor-by-night-Vigilante-by-day-wannabe-helicopter-parent-and-partner-full-time."  
  
"Okay, fine. We both suck."

..

"Oh, and she wants you take the damn painkillers." 

"No. That's what the psychotropic island herbs are for."  
  
"Yeah but those aren't cleared by the FDA."  
  
  
**10\. MASSAGES, BITCH. Foot Rubs Back Rubs Sexy Rubs All The Rubs All The Time. What Use Is A Human Vibrator And Mr. Muscly Man If A Girl Can't Get A Deep Tissue Massage When She Wants One.**  
  
"Barry."  
  
"Yeah - _whose handwriting is this?_ "  
  
"How did Sara get hold of our list?"

...

 _"Iris! Hands off our list!"_  
  
"...Mr. Muscly Man?"  
  
  
**11\. Never Ever Make Important Life Decisions That Affect Us All Without Consulting Her.**  
  
"Yeah, she's still pissed about me changing the living room curtains without asking."  
  
"I think she was talking about stuff like buying real estate, wedding planning and walking into the Speed Force, Barr."

"Oh. Yeah. But in my defence, those curtains totally clashed with the new sofa."  
  
  
**12\. Give Her Peace And Quiet And Keep Supervillains Away From Her Laptop And Coffee When She's On A Deadline Or I Swear To God I Am Going To Kill All You Bastards How Am I Supposed To Work In These Conditions I Have A Job Too You Know.**  
  
  
IRIS. STOP HIJACKING OUR LIST!!  
  
  
**13\. Remind Iris To Back Up Her Stuff Regularly Because It Is 2017 And Clouds Are A Thing.**  
  
_You think you're funny, Allen_ **.**

 **I am hilarious**.

_I have too much stuff on my laptop!_

Your laptop is a disgrace, West. 

_Shut it, Queen. You'd go analog if you could._

So would you if you worked with Felicity all the time.  
  
  
**14\. Let Her Watch Her Spanish Telenovelas Without Making Fun Of Her.**  
  
"Fun of _me_? You were the one who cried when Hernando left Luca to honor his mother's dying wish that he marry Angelica, Oliver."  
  
"I wasn't crying. It was...just sad all right? I'm _allowed_ to have feelings! And do you want to write this list yourself or can we have it back?"  
  
"It's not my fault my career is being nosy and you two are hopeless."  
  
  
**15\. Get Her And Her Friends Season Tickets For The Lions Cause The Knights Suck And Her Girlfriends Rock. You Can Afford It You Rich Cheapskates.**  
  
"Linda."  
  
"Linda."  
  
"Sigh."  
  
  
**16\. When On Her Period Give Her Lots Of Back Rubs Heating Pads Tissues Brownies And Hot Wings And Let Her Eat Them On The Sofa** **Without Oliver Fluttering Around With Purex. And Let Her Watch The Blade Movies In Complete Silence Until She Switches To Love Actually At Which Point _Only_ You Are Permitted To Speak, Oliver. **

"All I said was that the sofa's new and you just redecorated so maybe she should drip hot sauce on the floor instead. She didn't have to _snarl_ at me and burst into tears!"  
  
"Sometimes I have no idea how you survived Lian Yu."  
  
  
**17\. When She's Sick Make Her Joe's Gumbo And A Never Ending Supply Of Twizzlers And Let Her Watch The Whole Die Hard Franchise.**  
  
**And Make Barry Pretend He's An Electric Blanket And Stay Put.**  
  
  
**18\. Make Barry Sing For Her.**  
  
"She does get very...handsy when I sing for her."  
  
"She is not the only one."  
  
"Hmm. Mmm. Mmmmmm. Down boy. Damn, we should have put that on your list too."  
  
"Yes, you should have."

 

 **19\. Make Barry Sing And Dance While Making Pancakes.**  

  
"Yeah, that should have gone on my list too."  
  
**"** I'm not a performing monkey!"

"You are a lot dorkier than a monkey. And sexier. That thing you do with your hips..."*growl*

"Oh, you mean _this_?"  
  
"Well, now you're just asking for trouble, Mr. Allen."  
  
  
**20\. Make Oliver Work Out In Front Of Her. And Let Her Sit On His Back While He Does Push-ups.**  
  
"She already does that. And then you decided you could do push-ups with her just as well and nearly ended up a paraplegic if not for your Speed Healing."  
  
"Why did the Speed Force give me only abs and not upper body strength? It's not fair."  
  
"You gotta work your core, Barry."  
  
" _You_ work my core plenty."  
  
"Damn right."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"I feel like this is one of those times Iris should be allowed to watch."  
  
"I'll just get started on you while you call her."  
  
  
**21\. Tell Her You Love Her.**  
  
"So guys."

"Yes, Iris?"  
  
"I got your  _very_ interesting video"  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"While at work."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It made the rest of the staff meeting very uncomfortable."

"Ah."  
  
"I mean, not that I'm complaining, but what brought that on?"

"Barry and I just wanted you to know...we love you."  
  
**"** Awww. I love you both too. So much."  
  
*smooch*  
  
"Just...try to express it in ways other than Not Safe For Work home videos in future, okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about sports. All resemblance to teams living or dead is purely coincidental.
> 
> Barry's chapter is almost done and will be along soon. :)


	3. Rules For the Care And Feeding Of Barry Allen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By Oliver Queen, Iris West, Barry Allen and Cisco Ramon. ft. Caitlin Snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, I had this whole fic almost entirely written in three days and then the last six items kicked my ass for a fortnight. Done and done! \o/

  
**Rules For The Care And Feeding Of Barry Allen**

 

**1\. Make Him As Much Real Food As Possible Because Cisco's Energy Bars Taste Like Fermented Mud and Despair.**

  
>>Make Speedster Energy Bars Yourself Instead Of Levelling Hurtful Criticism At Very Busy Mechanical Engineers Who Are In Charge Of Saving All Of Your Asses.<<

>Mud and despair, Cisco<.  
  
_Barry, we are literally only at number one. Even Iris wasn't this bad._

 

 **2\. Let Him Be A Human Garbage Disposal Without Being Anal Retentive About His Table Manners.**  
  
"Iris, I swear I saw him swallow a falafel _with_ the napkin once."  
  
  
**3\. Let Him Be Touchy-Feely And Talk About All ~~8395~~ Of His Feelings Without Calling Him A Girl Because It is Sexist and Insulting.**  
  
"I would never call him a girl! I am surrounded by terrifying women who would kill me painfully if I was that sexist!"  
  
"Well not explicitly, but you imply he wants too many heart to hearts."  
  
"I love that he has a lot of feelings, Iris. I just don't see why we have to talk about every single one of them."  
  
"...he can be a bit much sometimes. I suppose. Dad likes it though."  
  
"Because he's never out of a job that way. I think Barry might be more of a Daddy's Girl than you."  
  
"Ha! You did do it!"  
  
"I rescind that statement."  
  
>I don't have 8395 feelings.<

 

 **4\. Be Less Possessive Of Him. He Is Pretty And People Want To Floof Him. And Check Him Out. And Make Unwanted Advances On His Oblivious Ass. Maiming People Makes Barry Sad. It Is Hard To Get Blood Out Of The Upholstery Even With Purex.**  
  
"I'm pretty sure Snart only flirts so much with Barry because you get so scowly at him. It's like his level of innuendo is directly proportional to the intensity of your death glare. And then poor Barry looks like a tall ketchup bottle by the time you two are done."  
  
"You don't understand, Iris. That man has _designs_ on him. I don't trust him. Anyway, what about Patty Spivot, huh?"  
  
"What _about_ Patty?"  
  
"You about froze her into a block of ice when we met her after the Forensics Conference in Hub City. Snart and Killer Frost could have taken notes."  
  
_"She called me his sister, Oliver_!"  
  
  
**5. ~~Develop Higher Tolerance For His Lame Puns.~~ **  
  
"Je refuse."  
  
"We have to, Iris. For love. Because we want him to be happy."  
  
"You were the one who threatened to kick him out of bed for making too many archery puns about your penis."  
  
"...okay maybe you're right."  
  
"Well, this is me putting my foot down."  
  
>My puns are amazing. I should have married Cisco. He gets my sense of humour.<  
  
>>Right on, buddy. We are just punderappreciated geniuses. One day they will realize.<<  
  
**_You swipe this list one more time Barry Allen and you can write it yourself._**

 

 **5\. Take Him To Science Exhibits And Let Him Science Babble At You Without Teasing Him Cause He Really Doesn't Realize How Cute He Is When He Gets His Nerd On.**  
  
>>Hey, take me too! I always got my nerd on so you can have double the cute.<<  
  
**_You aren't cute, Cisco, just annoying. Stop writing on our list_**  
  
>> _I beg to differ. He is both very cute and very annoying_. <<  
  
>>Et tu Cynthia?<<  
  
  
**6\. Never Make Him Feel Self-Conscious About Dancing Any Time Anywhere Especially When He's Dancing In The Living Room In Just His Underwear With A Spatula As A Microphone.  
  
** >>Dude how come I've never seen you get your Tom Cruise on?? I'm your best bro!<<  
  
>Hey, yeah, you've seen me do drunk karaoke. You owe me this, Allen.<  
  
>You guys did this on purpose. I owe none of you awful people anything. The trust is gone.<  
  
**_You were warned. You were given an explanation. Nevertheless you persisted._**  
**  
>**Really Barry, I'm your doctor. There isn't much left about you that could be embarrassing.< **  
  
** >>...yeah I'm pretty sure that made him feel better, Caitlin.<< **  
  
** >I hate all of you<. 

 

**7\. Do Not Attempt To Kill Him In The Morning With The Power Of Our Minds For Being The Human Personification of A Labrador Puppy On A Sugar High.**

"Oliver is just as bad on weekends! I wake you up to French toast and coffee. He wakes us up to Crossfit and kale!"  
  
"For the last time its  _not_   _Crossfit_. It's a real-terrain training Slade taught me on the island-,"  
  
"- Island Crossfit -"  
  
" - And I don't blast Lady Gaga at 7am after a night of chasing criminals nearly till dawn, Barry!"  
  
"It isn't my fault I'm high energy! Besides - French toast and eggs!"  
  
"Yeah, but after a while it all starts feeling like Groundhog Day."  
  
"Especially on _only four hours of sleep!_ "  
  
  
**8. ~~Ban Forbid Make Him~~ Gently Dissuade Him from Ever Growing Facial Hair Of Any Length Form Or Fuzz Because Barry We Love You But You Look Like Your Face Is Being Eaten By A Tribble.**  
  
>FINE but then we should put Oliver can't ever shave all his beard off on HIS list because he looks WEIRD AS HELL.<  
  
**_Or grow a goatee! That was bad, Ollie!_**  
  
>Or buzz his hair like that time he joined the League. Your head looked like a fuzzy potato.<  
  
_I cannot be held responsible for the hair choices I made while brainwashed by the League of Assassins. And why is this about me, suddenly? Why aren't we ragging on Iris' hair, huh?_  
  
**_Bitch, my hair has been nothing but fabulous my entire life._ **  
  
>Remember the first time you got a perm in Junior High?<  
  
_**You wouldn't!**_

 

 **9\. Snuggle His Head**  
  
"You can't insult my beard and expect to have hair snuggling privileges. Those are now revoked."  
  
"N'awww, Barry come on!"  
  
"No. No therapy animal hair for you. You called me Tribble chow. And how does any of this have to do with taking care of me? This list is very self-serving, if you ask me!"  
  
"Well nobody did ask you, why are you here? This is  _our_ list, you're not supposed to have input!"  
  
"Iris did!"  
  
"See what you started? This is all your fault - are you _stealth snuggling_ his hair?"  
  
"Who, me?" *pause* "But it's so floooofy!"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Oh shush. You love it."

 

**10\. The Question "What Do You Want For Dinner?" Must Be Answered Within Five Minutes Tops Or Barry Is Allowed To Ditch Both You Losers And Go Get Food By Himself. Because Otherwise It Is Like Living In An Endless Purgatory Of A Food Debate In Hypertime While His Stomach Tries To Eat Itself.**

"I'm sorry I try to be a little bit conscientious about what we put in our bodies. I don't have superpowers so if I keep eating Big Belly Burgers I'll soon be too heavy for my grappling hook and then I'll die."  
  
"Oh feh, Drama Queen. It's not even that you are actually absurdly picky, it's that you categorically deny that you are. I ask you what you want to order and you start out with " _Sniff. I have eaten pigeons and tree bark to survive, Iris, food is merely fuel for my holy mission -"_  
  
"I have never said that!"  
  
"- and then proceed to shoot down _every single suggestion we make_ for twenty minutes!"  
  
"And then we eat Big Belly Burger anyway!"  
  
"Which is great for Barry, and you, cause your biceps eat more carbs than you do. But li'l Ol' Wifey here? Needs to buy new pants. _Because I am now both hungry and fat."_  
  
" _Endless food purgatory, Oliver!"_

 

**11\. Get Him A Dog Soon Before He Comes Home With A Boa Constrictor.**

"How is that a thing that can happen?"  
  
"You know he went to reptile camp when he was twelve, right? He came back with a lizard and a dream. The dream of a boy to one day own his own boa constrictor."  
  
"Joe must have been thrilled."  
  
"He said he could get one when he lived somewhere other than under his roof. Preferably after he was dead and buried."  
  
"Well, he lives with us now so we're vetoing snakes. And anything that we have to feed live animals to."  
  
"Damn right. But if we don't head him off and get him something else, he's going to mope. And then you're going to give in, Queen, 'cause you're a poor sucker for his puppy eyes. And then I'll say yes because you'll guilt me. And then before you know it, we'll be living with the beast of Salazar Slytherin and my Dad will move states to get away from this white tomfoolery."  
  
"Good point."  
  
>Okay first of all, boas are statistically safer than dogs. Dogs can kill too, you know, they just look conventionally cute so we forget. You guys are just basic and prejudiced against non-mammal species. <  
  
>Second of all, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon.<  
  
_**Well you sure ain't getting either of them tonight.**_  
  
  
**12\. Make Family Game Nights Stress And Drama Free Cause The Flash Needs To Unwind, Yo.**  
  
"What? You wrote on your own list, I can write on mine. Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Barry, _you're_ the one who brings the stress and drama to Family Game Night!"  
  
"That is not true!"  
  
"Oh really? May we refer to the Speed Stacking Disaster of 2017?"  
  
"That was only a very small fire, okay? And it was Wally's fault too. Besides, what about you, Iris?"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Who got so aggressive about winning at putt-putt they got us banned from the mini-golf park? You, that's who."  
  
"You weren't the one being trash-talked by that kid the whole time!"  
  
"Iris, he was twelve."  
  
"I don't know, hon. First you get banned from Markovia, then you get banned from Happy Fun Times Golf-a-Palooza...this is a worrying pattern of behaviour."

"..."  
  
"The point, Barry, is that _you_ need to calm down too. I'm not even letting William sit in after what happened last Friday. A child shouldn't have to see his parents like that."  
  
" _You swindled me out of Park Place, Oliver!"_  
  
  
**13\. Cap His Viewings Of Singing In The Rain To Twice A Week. Three In Emergencies.**  
  
>>Or just cap it. Permanently. Seriously, guys, that week he was crashed at my pad, I still hear "Good Morning" in my nightmares.<<   
  
>Ramon! You're supposed to be on my side! This is not friendship!<   
  
_**Ha! No, but seriously, babe. It's a little concerning. That week Gino's Ice Cream Bazaar closed you watched it so many times the neighbors complained.** _  
  
>That place had sentimental value, okay?<  
  
_We're just saying, maybe switching up your coping musicals might be good, Barr. _  
  
>>Variety is the spice of life, hombre<<  
  
>Fine. I'll put on Grease next time.<  
  
_Wait, what?_  
  
  
**14\. Take Him To Baseball Games. Even Though Neither Of Us Get Organized Sports And How Is The Nerd Among Us The Sports Fan?**  
  
"Baseball is just running and math. I'm good at both."  
  
"You liked it before you got good at running, though."  
  
"I used to go to games with my Mom. She was a die-hard Cardinals fan. She once caught a foul ball from McGwire by knocking a guy headfirst into the front row and then stuffed it in my hand and told everyone I did it."  
  
"Respect, Momma Allen!"  
  
"The men in your family clearly have a type, Barr."  
  
  
**15. Don't Let Him Carry The Weight of The World On His Shoulders.**  
  
"A little hypocritical coming from you, Ollie."  
  
"I'm the mayor, Barry. I literally get paid to do it. Anyway, I only carry the weight of my city -"  
  
"Barring the occasional alien invasion. Or inter-dimensional invasion. Or a hell-portal demon invasion. Huh. We sure get invaded a lot."  
  
" _Besides_ that. You, on the other hand, seem determined to hold yourself responsible for the whole multiverse."  
  
"I do not. I am completely zen. I have learned from my mistakes."  
  
"Oh, really? So I don't need to worry about either of you doing something stupidly heroic and self-sacrificing?"  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"I promise we won't be stupid?"  
  
"...I'll try not to be heroic about it?"  
  
*unimpressed glare* "Uh huh."  
  
*uncomfortable silence*  
  
"Just, if you _do_ have to reset the timeline again, can you create one where you both go to therapy and my ulcers aren't named after you?" 

 

 **16.**   **Make Him Go To Therapy. WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO TO THERAPY?**

"Oho, look whose suddenly not here anymore. _Get that tight little butt back here right now, Scarlet Speedster_!"  
  
"Iris, you have to understand that Barry's been traumatized by therapists when he was a kid and I don't have the best past experiences with opening up to people."  
  
"I _know_ that. But you can't just write it off. It's irresponsible to keep going out into the field without a professional to help your process the crap you take back with you."

"We're doing okay for now."

"Oliver, it's really no joke sleeping between the two of you when you both have nightmares." 

"...I didn't realize. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry. I just want you to be okay. Love isn't a substitute for therapy, you know."  
  
*kiss* "I know. We'll talk about it. Promise."

 

 **17\. Find An Anesthetic That Works On Him. Horse Tranquilizer Is Not A Suitable Substitute For Local Anaesthesia And Speedster Booze Is Not A Viable Alternative For Controlled Sedation Cisco.**  
  
  
**18\. Recognize His Triggers And Ground Him Through His Anxiety Attacks.**  
  
  
**19\. Make A Barry Sandwich**  
  
"Wrapped tight in a silk rope."  
  
"...you don't tie up sandwiches."  
  
"Well prepped and stuffed. With lots of stuffing. And honey glaze."  
  
"Iris, that's a roast bird."  
  
"Pound the meat thoroughly first."  
  
"...I think that's beef steak."  
  
"Ooh! And whipped cream!"  
  
"Woman, do you _even cook_?"  
  
"It's a metaphor! We're talking about sexytimes with Barry!"  
  
"I know. But you sound like your next choices are going to be fava beans and a nice Chianti."  
  
"Aha! So you _do_ get pop culture references! Barry owes me twenty bucks. All right, how about a _long, thick_ bratwurst between two _firm, warm_ buns?"  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"I want to be turned on, but you still just described a hotdog."  
  
  
  
**20. ~~Tell~~ Show Him You Love Him**  
  
*sleepy sighs*  
  
"You okay, Barr?" Kiss.  
  
*groan* "I'm amazing."  
  
"You sure are."  
  
"I am never moving again."  
  
"We brought down the Scarlet Speedster without superpowers, Oliver! Up high!"  
  
*high fives*  
  
"You deserve to gloat. I have the best husband and wife ever. You guys know exactly what I like."  
  
*giggle* "And don't you forget it."  
  
"Although, I'm still a little foggy on how I got from preventing a three car pile up on the freeway to having all my sexual fantasizes come true. What exactly happened?"  
  
"Iris told me to get in the kitchen and make her a sandwich, Barry."  
  
"...I love you guys too."  
  
  
**21\. Always Believe Him**  
  
*stares for a long moment*  
  
*softly* "Thanks, guys."  
  
Kiss. "Always, Barr."  
  
"Always, sweetheart."  
  
*beat*  
  
"I totally meant you guys to see me headbanging to AC/DC in my boxers."  
  
"Yeah no, we don't believe you."


End file.
